I spoke in Church yesterday. It was a really interesting experience. I felt like I knew exactly what I was supposed to say. I had my Mummi send me my Grandaddy's book of life stories last week, because I just really felt like I needed to re-read them. I ended up reading one of his entries to the congregation. For my family reading you'll remember this story.. In 1989 my Grandaddy was in the bishopric.. he felt very inadequate for the job. He being conservative, forward and somewhat aggressive in his opinions, felt that there was no way he could be fit for this calling.. he feared that he would offend people and therefore someone who was better set up for the calling should replace him. He awoke one night thinking of these inadequacies.. and when he drifted off to sleep had a dream. In the dream he saw a baker holding a tray of cakes.. the cakes were all broken up and looked lowsy.. but the baker was beaming with happiness as if they were perfectly fine.. the people that recieved these cakes beamed with joy.. and saw no problem with them.. you see they tasted just fine. When he awoke from the dream he felt the Spirit tell him that though he thought he was inadequate for the job, he wasn't.. He may not appear to be the perfect man for the job, but he was. He then states that the Sunday after he was sitting during Sacrament and felt the words.. "I will be with you.. I will be by your side.. I will be behind you". The Lord was looking out for him.
After I read the story I talked about how I felt inadequate to be a missionary. I just didn't fit the typical missionary mold.. and that the Lord always shapes our backs for the trials ahead of us.. He always uplifts us and shows us the way. No matter how inadequate we feel.. if we are doing our best.. whatever calling we get.. we can accomplish.
Then I shared something more personal. It was about the phone call I received from the Mission President. . He called to tell me that my Father was in the ICU and was not likely to make it.. he asked if I would like him to make flight arrangements right then.. I told him I needed to talk to a few people and then determine what I would do, and I'd call him back when I decided.
I honestly felt in those few moments that my Dad would die.. I thought about my dad.. and his side of the family. They are not members of the church and I thought.. I really should be there for them.. if he passes. I want them to feel the comfort that I know.. which comes from understanding the plan of Salvation.. and where we go when we die. My first thoughts were that I would fly home.. just for the tranfer and then return to my mission or not.
Then I called on my best friend. Heavenly Father. I told him how much I love my mission.. I expressed my sorrow for my own inadequacies..and all the fears I had. I told him that I was willing to do whatever He asked of me.. and that I knew He would show me the way.. but to help me to recognize what the right choice would be.
Then I called a good friend of mine. I vented my frustrations over the matter.. what I felt I should do.. and waited for His opinion. He reminded me of how much my misson has blessed me.. and my family.. and told me that if it were him.. he would stay.. because I could help my family more by being here on my mission.
Then in my talk I turned to Luke 9.. and read
23 ¶And he said to them all, If any man will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his across daily, and bfollow me.
24 aFor whosoever will save his life shall blose it: but whosoever will lose his life for my sake, the same shall save it.
59 And he said unto another, aFollow me. But he said, Lord, suffer me first to go and bury my father.
I know that the Lord is aware of us. Just because I am on a mission does not mean that I won't face trials, decisions, or heartache.. but I know that the Lord will uplift and help us accomplish all that He asks us to do.. and that we can be happy doing it. The Lord is not insesnitive to my needs.. and that's not what these scriptures state to me. They mean that I must go and do what the Lord has asked of me. He asked me to come to Montana. He asked me to preach repentace. . He asked me to trust Him. . and I will.. wherever He leads me.
Last night we met with Jared and Cameo again. it was one of the most spiritual lessons of my mission. They opened up to us about some leaders that had offended them in the church and how they didn't know if they would trust any leaders again. I got real personal with them. I told them about an experience I had had as a teenager.. with a Bishop who I felt did not understand my situation at all.. who was insensitive to the reality what was really happening.. who ignored the needs of a child.. that Bishop later became the Stake President. To this day I do not feel that he was right in the things he did. In my teenage years I was very bitter and angry with this man.. I didn't want to see him at church.. and I didn't want to be at church. I felt betrayed by everyone around me,.. and couldn't trust anyone.
It took years of healing, praying, reading the scriptures to get over it. . to fully seperate that person from the gospel. People make mistakes. they are not the church. . Over time I honestly have come to love and feel concern for those who have offended me.. God has opened up my heart in corners I felt would never again be uncovered.. He has opened my mind with understanding.. and filled my soul with joy. I am no longer offended with those who have hurt me. I encouraged them to start this process and to not let others determine thier spiritual growth.
I then felt impressed to turn to Mathew 5 where jesus teaches his sermon on the mount..
1 aAnd seeing the multitudes, he went up into a mountain: and when he was set, his disciples came unto him:
10 Blessed are they which are apersecuted for brighteousness’ sake: for ctheirs is the kingdom of heaven.
11 Blessed are ye, when men shall arevile you, and persecute you, and shall say all manner of bevil against you falsely, cfor my sake.
12 aRejoice, and be exceeding glad: for great is your breward in heaven: for so cpersecuted they the prophets which were before you.
13 ¶Ye are the asalt of the earth: but if the salt have lost his savour, wherewith shall it be salted? it is thenceforth good for nothing, but to be cast out, and to be trodden under foot of men.
15 Neither do men light a acandle, and put it under a bushel, but on a candlestick; and it giveth light unto all that are in the house.
16 Let your alight so shine before men, that they may see your good bworks, and cglorify your Father which is in heaven.
And then something amazing happened.. jared starts to tear up.. He says sisters I am going to re-read 14-16.. listen closely.. because they are for you. As he re-read the words.. me and my companion were both tearing up. Then he says "Sister davidson, you were sent here for us.. you can understand people in a way I've never seen a missionary do, you are not the typical missionary. Whenever me and Cameo get back to church and are ready for the temple can you come to our sealing"?
I will NEVER be able to thank God enough for the love that I have felt from the people in Montana. To hear such gratitude for me as a missionary was unreal. I feel unworthy to receive such a compliment. My past is redeemed.. my future makes sense. . I will always be a disciple of Jesus Christ.
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